Last year, as I approached what would have been Nika’s twenty-fifth birthday, I began seeing the number 444, over, and over, and over again. I had researched numerology years ago, and knew enough to know that these numbers had significant meaning; however, I didn’t immediately stop to figure out what that meaning was. I was too busy being busy with my day to day. Days would pass, and I would continue to see 4:44, or 444 on license plates, random signs, in print, and many inconspicuous places. After being hammered over the head with the numbers, I paused and researched it’s meaning. There are different interpretations of the meaning of 444; however, the one that I received simply states 444 is a sign that angels are with me, helping and watching over me. My angel is with me and is assuring me in those moments that she never left.
By now, it’s 11/11/16, and I was moving about my morning, oblivious to the date. I got in my 4am, treadmill 5K, and at 4:44 was slightly slapped across the head again. Off the treadmill I go with a heart racing, epiphany to pull out Nika’s baby book. My world instantly stopped, and I was filled with emotion, yet refused to be shook. On 11/11/16, for the first time in 25 years, I realized I had given birth to our baby girl on 11/11/91 at 4:44. For weeks, my angel girl was reminding me of her purpose, she awakened my consciousness to the realization that we never had a chance, nor did we ever celebrate her birthday. I collected my thoughts, sucked in my emotions and proceeded to dress for work, I had to get to work, you know. No time for self -pity, no time to dwell on an unhealed hurt, no time to stop and nurse an open wound. Off to work I go.
At my desk, trying to work, and the numbers cross my path again, and I’m paralyzed. I can’t see, I can no longer speak, once again, I’m overwhelmed with emotions, in the midst of the ugliest, most painful, soul cleansing cry you can imagine. The can’t catch your breath, near hyperventilation type of cry, all with my manager in the office with me. It just uncontrollably happened. It’s a wrap, the “SBW, (strong black woman) cape is off, I’m no longer in control, simply yielding to the healing. My manager, bless her heart embraces and begins to console me. Ya’ll, she was ready to go give my husband the business, she thought he might be behind such a hurtful cry. She was clueless, until I was finally composed enough to reveal the matter.
It was that day, 11/11/16, what would have been the twenty-fifty birthday of our angel, that I personally celebrated her birthday. With my managers help, I left work, and immediately went to the mall and had two bracelets made in her honor. Each with symbolic reference to the number three, to represent the trinity, each with 11/11/91 on it and yes, each with 444 as well. I wear one bracelet every day, and the other for special occasions. That’s where and how it all began. That day, I decided, I would celebrate her bEarthday, my way, every year.
.........continued in the next entry, part 3. This my friend was Pieces of our 4:44 (Part 2) on 1.29.18.